This is the second installment in the relationship series which started with the post, The One Goal We’re Afraid To Talk About, be sure to check that one out first if you haven’t already done so. Today we continue bonding over the realities of being “relationship-free” (sounds cuter than saying single) in your 30s and the one thing you may be overlooking in your dating journey.
But first, I wanted to share a few memorable moments I’ve experienced.
Moments that made me say WTH???
July 2013…A man I would normally not give the time of day convinces me to join him at a BBQ. Little did I know, this BBQ was two hours away at his parents’ house. This was our FIRST date and he asked if I wanted to sit on his lap while he played dominoes in his parent’s basement. Ummm no sir, I wish to do no such thing ever in life.
December 2014…I meet a guy during a New Year’s Eve party in New York. I return to Houston but we maintained contact and take turns traveling to see each other every few months. One day he vents about a girl who complained that he was too sensitive after he spent the weekend visiting her in Boston. I ask, “When was this?” assuming that he’s referring to a past relationship, but nope he’s talking about another girl he’s been seeing and never thought to tell me about, despite us agreeing to be monogamous. YUP! I guess he forgot that minor detail.
November 2015…A 40-year-old man asks me to meet him at his job but instead gives me his home address. Upon my arrival, I am obviously confused by this change and he simply says he was tired and wanted to take a nap and then proceeds to invite me to join him. Girl, I wish I was lying!
I am sure you have your own catalog of horror stories to share, so be sure to post them in the comments below.
After several years of casually dating but never moving beyond the “casual” part, I finally had an epiphany and realized that I was the common denominator. So naturally, I thought…”What the hell is wrong with me that this is what I keep attracting!!? What am I doing wrong?”
Once I stopped making it all about the men and what was wrong with them, I was finally in a place to reflect on my approach, my beliefs, and what I was emitting that wouldn’t allow me to attract the kind of man I was saying I was ready for.
I wanted a godly man who was confident, attractive, educated, and ambitious. I didn’t just want him to have the surface qualities; he had to be generous, kind, loving in his actions, and love his momma too. I thought that would be my equal. I was smart, doing well in my career, a Christian… so why wasn’t I attracting a man that had all of these things and wanted to lock me down?
When I step back and really think about it, I wasn’t exhibiting all of these qualities in my life. I was harsh in my speech, didn’t make family my priority as a workaholic, said I was Christian but wasn’t practicing, and was far from what others would describe as kind.
Ladies, how often are we creating a list of qualities and attributes that we can’t even meet? I have written pages of notes on what I wanted in a man and never thought that he may want me to come to the table with those same qualities.
We demand our partners be so much better than we are, but are they not worthy of receiving the same in return?
Time to Check Yourself
Have you written a long list of qualities you want your ideal mate to bring to the table? Are you meeting those same expectations or are there areas where you’re falling short? Before you can fix this you must realize that there is a gap. Answer the questions below to identify where those gaps are in your life.
1. Do you have a written “Husband List?” If not, write it down.
2. Which of those qualities are you exhibiting?
3. Which qualities are you lacking?
4. What actions can you take to grow in your areas of weakness?
As for me and my dating journey…
Since realizing what I was lacking, I became invested in growing in my faith and pouring into my relationships. I found a wonderful church and began serving. I made a conscious choice to work less and schedule time with friends and family. And boy have I worked on my delivery when speaking to others. While I knew I had good intentions before, now I ensure my actions reflect them. By being generous and supportive of those around me I am more closely aligned with the qualities I desire in my ideal partner. While I am still “relationship-free,” I know I am on a path towards becoming the woman that can attract a better quality man.
I believe you deserve to find your ideal mate, but you first have to become the woman that he’s checking for. Here at Living Out Goals, we are all about creating the lives we want and taking the actions to make it happen. So now you have to align your actions with what you say you want.
What qualities are you not currently exhibiting, yet expecting your mate to have? What three actions can you take this week to grow in these areas? Please leave a comment below with your response. I can’t wait to connect with you.